Ball Park 65

by Marc Smith (aka the Slampapi)

I’m sitting on a fire hydrant half way between my forty-fifth and forty-sixth season
enhancing my tan while I wait for my pals to arrive with the tickets.

Peanuts!

And a street vendor, leaning against a blond brick wall fifty feet beyond the centerfield
fence, cries

Peanuts!

Sounding somewhat like a cricket because the squall he makes is louder than his body
should allow.

Peanuts!

Three cops sitting sidesaddle on a blue horse, side arms bulging out conspicuously,
adjust their doughnut bellies as they chit chat takin’ it easy on their fair weather
patrol.

Peanuts!

Ten Wichita Kansas corn fed bullheads plug up the intersection hunting for Gate F.
The cop nearest the traffic jam reluctantly does his duty with a groaning eyeball
roll.

“Down there, sir. Gate F is down there
Where the big F is.”

Peanuts!

People plash by in streams of placid pastels. Pops and his buzz head kids.
Wendy and hers. Bertha and what could be children, but what may be baby
hippopotami tuggin’ at their mama as they lumber across the street
linked together hand to hand — the last one dragging an antique catcher’s mitt.

Peanuts!

From the top of the plug I shoot my scanner out into the loveliness of lots and lots of ladies, dolls, dames. Over forty me can’t help being a pig sometimes, especially at the ballpark. Hell, when I’m out here I’m like a WGN cameramen zoomin’ in on

Peanuts!

Some bad habits are hard to kick.

Anyway, I spot peroxide blond wearing a pink halter-top, eating a Polish sausage at the beer stand across the street, making lipstick autographs on the bun. Peanuts! I fantasize that she’s signing it for me.

Peanuts!
“Got tickets?”
Something tries to invade my daydream.

Peanuts!
“Got tickets?”
It starts to dissolve.

Peanuts!
“I said, d’ya got tickets?”
Is this my friend?

Peanuts!
“Hey! I’m talkin’ to you!”
Not my friend.

“All you got to say is yes or no.
You people.
You people and your looks.”

It’s a hawk, a hustler, a young man scalping a fist of fake tickets. He’s tough, muscular, feral.
Red Dog dago-tee. His eyes peg me reactively. I feel my own opaque glare matching up to his. For a second we stare coldly into each other’s eyes.

“All I asked you was if you had tickets.
And if you do, just say no thank you.
Save me the hard guy look.”

Peanuts!

“You people.
When are you people
Ever gonna stop
Lookin’ down at us?”

Peanuts!

“You don’t own this street.”

Peanuts!

“And you don’t own me.”

Peanuts!

“And if you don’t have the guts
To say what you’re thinkin’,
Then don’t parade around
As if you got the guts to do anything else.”

Peanuts!

“You people.”

Down the block and across the street Big Mama leans over the porch rail and hollers “Ramon!” “Ramon!” who runs up to the cricket on the corner holdin’ out a handful of money cryin’:

“Peanuts! Peanuts!
I want some peanuts!”

You got ’em little buddy. They’re all yours. Take ’em home.
Take ‘em home and enjoy yourself. Enjoy eating your

PEANUTS!

L’Arte de la Guerrero

by Stu Shea

Sgt. Vladimir is waiting on the bench
To use his bat to dig a six-inch trench
So he can swing at pitches
He otherwise can’t reach
Using bats, or brooms, or switches
Kicking up both dirt and beach.

Sgt. Vladimir is hacking at the ball
And driving that hard sinker to the wall.
He hit it off his shoe tops
And drove in a pair of runs.
He’s more focused than a Cyclops,
And he’s having much more fun.

 

The Flight of Goose Gossage

by Sandy Marshall

Goose Gossage,
Goose Gossage,
You are your own Bossage,
You have your own mitt that you sign and Embossage.

Goose Gossage,
Goose Gossage,
You always will Flossage,
Your round rolling stone will ne’er gather no Mossage.

Goose Gossage,
Goose Gossage,
You boot up with DOSsage,
You always predict the results of coin Tossage.

Goose Gossage,
Goose Gossage,
Your car drives with Nossage,
And you play like you dance, like the winged Bob Fossage.

(Sandy’s site, with his comedy teammates: Schadenfreude.net)

Posted 8/3/07

Ode to the ‘Pen

by Hart Seely

Farnsworth, Myers, Proctor: O, doctor.
How low can our spirits go?
We’re leading by nine in the last of the sixth.
And we’ll probably have to use Mo.

Farnsworth, Myers, Proctor, O, doctor.
Somebody pass me the Drano.
Our nine-run lead is now down to two.
And, O, God! Here comes Vizcaino.

(Hart’s site: It is High, It is Far, It is…caught)

Posted 8/1/07

The Dreaded Eighth

by Caleb Wiley

The time is here that we’ve all come to dread,
The worst possible inning if you root for the Red.
It makes leads disappear, because no lead is safe
When our bullpen appears in the inning called eighth.

No lead is safe, no lead is secure
When our bulls begin spreading their style of manure,
So when you’re done stretching from inning number seven,
Never forget that they’re not sent from heaven.

When the seventh is over you may start to think,
“What now shall we do? Let’s just start to drink.”
BOHICA, my friends, will be with us soon,
And God help us all if we have a full moon.

So when that time is nigh and we have much to fear,
Pray very hard, then reach for more beer.
Please don’t do something to make us spew hate
When the Reds take the field in the Dreaded Eighth.

Posted 7/27/07