Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
1BÂ Â Candy LaChance
2BÂ Â Pumpkinsie Green
SSÂ Â Sandy Malomar
3BÂ Â Chris Spooker
LFÂ Â Mummy Ramirez
CFÂ Â Trik Speaker
RFÂ Â Vlampire Guerrero
CÂ Â Â Earl Battey
LHPÂ Â Randy Wolfman, Baby Ruth
RHPÂ Â Trevor BOOOOer, Black Catfish Hunter, Ricky Bones
MGRÂ Â Treat Speaker
As savvy statheads will avow,
To one certainty we all must bow:
No team can pocket World Series bank
With 3 or more ex-Cubs in its ranks.
It’s analytics, not cant or mystery,
Proven throughout baseball history.
The prudent Dodgers, reviewing facts,
In August Jason Heyward axed.
Making a close Series even tighter,
The Yankees will field Mark Leiter,
Rizzo, Stroman and LeMahieu–
A daring display of bad juju.
With four ex-Cubbies on their squad,
Gotham thumbs its nose at the baseball gods.
Such hubris likely will not stand.
The crown will return to La-La Land.
For more on this baseball rule, which has proven correct in 1979 and 1981, check out this article by the writer who coined the phrase, Ron Berler.
1BÂ Â Vlad “Son of the Impaler” Guerrero, Jr.
2BÂ Â Charles Zomphier
SSÂ Â Justin “Franken” Stein
3BÂ Â Dave “King Kong” Kingman
LFÂ Â Jerry Mummy-phrey
CFÂ Â Coco Cryptkeeper
RFÂ Â Vlad “The Impaler” Guerrero
CÂ Â Baba-Duke Sims
PHÂ Â Nick Goulish
LHPÂ Â Freddie-Rick Kreuger, Mike “Michael” Myers
RHPÂ Â Full Moon Odom, Slick Castleman, Brad Pennywise
MGRÂ Â Chicken Wolfman
Illustration by Joltin’ Jim Seirgey
Sac Fly,
Sac Fly,
then Bye-Bye.
Aaron Judge has awoken.
The Bronx
fans let
out a sigh–
the cold bat’s once
again smokin’.
by James Finn Garner
Luke Weaver
Can be a deceiver
Young, bright, even cleaner
Than Beaver Cleaver
Yet kills with his heater
Like dengue fever
Cincinnati weren’t believers
DFA’d him, pulled the lever
New York thought him keener
Not as a starter, neither
Now the late-game Caesar
Star reliever
Overachiever
From kids to geezers
The Yankeeverse is flying in the ether
Heavy breathers
With Weaver Fever
