by Robert Ripley
From 1909. Ripley went on to create the syndicated Ripley’s Believe It or Not! in 1918. Thanks to the tumblr account of Mighty Flynn.
Spring Training
by Rickey Henderson
This shit don’t count.
This shit don’t go
on the bubble gum card.
Spin Rate
by Tom Lagasse
With curveballs bouncing hard into the dirt,
and four seamers zipping under his
opponent’s chins, Donald Trump’s spin rate
sends him to the training room twice a day for ice.
Preferring wildness over control, he doesn’t care
if he gets someone hurt. His fans cheer because
they believe he is the franchise’s savior
yet fail to understand this high spin rate
causes career-ending injuries. Perhaps
it is only a matter of time when the brief
hope of rebuilding and making the team
great again must wait another four years
if the country is not sold or relocated by then.
Ash Wednesday
By James Finn Garner
If you want to bash,
The bat you need is ash.
Any sentient ape’ll
Tell you to reject maple.
Waving around some hickory
Is no way to victory.
Maybe at a minimum,
Settle for aluminum.
But if you want a healthy slash
Line, I again opine: ASH!
The Hirsute of Happiness
by Greg Simetz
The Yankees offseason was not inconsequential;
They lost slugger Soto whom all deemed fundamental
But the Cash Man got busy, signed Bellinger, Goldschmidt and Fried
Though the bigger news by far came from the facial hair side:
Their beard ban was shaved after a 50-year drought.
The ground crew’s been ordered to let stubble sprout
So come Opening Day, here’s the new Murderer’s Row:
Wells, Stanton and Volpe sporting 5 o’clock shadows.
Can ZZ Top Bombers stop the Dodgers from winning?
Or stop beating themselves in horrific 5th innings?
There’s only one thing for sure we’ll all get to see:
Aaron Judge going from goat to goatee.