Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
O Captain! my Captain!
Our fearful trip is done,
The ship has sprung a thousand leaks,
The prize we sought is gone.
The end is near, the drums I hear,
The bleachers steadily clearing,
The faithful weep; in sight, a sweep,
Juan Soto disappearing.
But o, Boone! Boone! Boone!
Bring gallon jugs of wine,
For deep on deck my Captain lies,
Struck out, oh for nine.
Well,
you wait for a strike.
Then
you knock the
shit
out of it.
1BÂ Â Candy LaChance
2BÂ Â Pumpkinsie Green
SSÂ Â Sandy Malomar
3BÂ Â Chris Spooker
LFÂ Â Mummy Ramirez
CFÂ Â Trik Speaker
RFÂ Â Vlampire Guerrero
CÂ Â Â Earl Battey
LHPÂ Â Randy Wolfman, Baby Ruth
RHPÂ Â Trevor BOOOOer, Black Catfish Hunter, Ricky Bones
MGRÂ Â Treat Speaker
As savvy statheads will avow,
To one certainty we all must bow:
No team can pocket World Series bank
With 3 or more ex-Cubs in its ranks.
It’s analytics, not cant or mystery,
Proven throughout baseball history.
The prudent Dodgers, reviewing facts,
In August Jason Heyward axed.
Making a close Series even tighter,
The Yankees will field Mark Leiter,
Rizzo, Stroman and LeMahieu–
A daring display of bad juju.
With four ex-Cubbies on their squad,
Gotham thumbs its nose at the baseball gods.
Such hubris likely will not stand.
The crown will return to La-La Land.
For more on this baseball rule, which has proven correct in 1979 and 1981, check out this article by the writer who coined the phrase, Ron Berler.
1BÂ Â Vlad “Son of the Impaler” Guerrero, Jr.
2BÂ Â Charles Zomphier
SSÂ Â Justin “Franken” Stein
3BÂ Â Dave “King Kong” Kingman
LFÂ Â Jerry Mummy-phrey
CFÂ Â Coco Cryptkeeper
RFÂ Â Vlad “The Impaler” Guerrero
CÂ Â Baba-Duke Sims
PHÂ Â Nick Goulish
LHPÂ Â Freddie-Rick Kreuger, Mike “Michael” Myers
RHPÂ Â Full Moon Odom, Slick Castleman, Brad Pennywise
MGRÂ Â Chicken Wolfman
Illustration by Joltin’ Jim Seirgey