Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Chris Perez and his old lady
Were caught last week in something shady.
The closer, FedEx at the door,
Welcomed a surprising score.
To give himself some legal cover,
The genius had it mailed to Rover.
Does he think one must be baked
To pitch in the Mistake by the Lake?
If Chris wants to invest in stalks, he
Might finagle a trade to the Rockies.
The Nats have a slugger named Bryce
whose tummy felt not very nice.
. Still he stayed in the game
. and four knocks gained him fame
since he upchucked once more than thrice!
BALTIMORE
The Orioles soared…
Does anyone believe they
Can fly high again?
BOSTON
With no Valentine,
Can the Olde Towne Team win back
Bleeding Boston hearts?
NEW YORK
Old Yankee soldiers
May not die, but do tend to
End up disabled
TAMPA BAY
Rays fans hold out hope
That good pitching can make up
For that weird infield
TORONTO
When blue jays make noise
It signals that something is
Wrong in the forest
Winter’s been raw as a campout in Banff.
Your new basement walls are moldy and damp.
Your drapes caught fire from a knocked over lamp—
Relax!
Pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp.
Your check-writing hand’s developed a cramp,
Your bills are all due and you ain’t got a stamp,
Creditors cling to your neck like a clamp—
Smile!
Pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp.
Your yard now faces a new freeway ramp.
Your son is engaged to a gold-digging tramp.
Your “guitar hero” neighbor’s just bought a new amp—
Life is good!
Pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp.
First posted 2/13/2008
To diagnose the Yankees’ ills,
Don’t sacrifice a gopher
And scan for signs in its entrails —
The problem is the ofers.
Infante was tattooed, not tagged.
The call at second wasn’t kosher
But potential outrage only dragged
Down this lineup full of ofers.
Beyond JV, the Tiges ain’t sound —
Hell, they’re staying with their “closer”! —
But slow-pitch softball might confound
This Murderer’s Row of ofers.
Get ready for a shopping spree
When the season’s mercifully over.
A blind man’s dog throws up to see
This lousy bunch of ofers.