Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Change the door signs at Comiskey
Slip a mickey in his whiskey
Sew shut the legs of all his pants
Name him ambassador to France
Secure his cleats in wet cement
Arrange a honey pot with Iris DeMent
Stow him away on a flight to the moon–
Do anything! And do it soon!
In the Midwest we’re not prone to bragging
We like socks with sandals and double-bagging
We like a 30-pack and jerky from Kasey’s
And are still suspicious of Macy’s.
We don’t get too big for our britches
Unless the subject is hot dishes.
We take our time reaching decisions
And are in no rush to win the division.
From the 1994 Tony Awards:
O’ slider slide o’ slider slide
Past the batsman I send my slider to hide
O’ slider slide o’ slider slide
Past the batsmen I send that round cowhide
O’ slider slide o’ slider slide
A fortune staked on you lest I overstride
O’ slider slide o’ slider slide
In the strike zone indeed a win is implied
O’ slider slide o’ slider slide
The humans can’t believe my 3000 rpm and fastball ride
O’ slider slide o’ slider slide
Your execution can earn you a bride
O’ slider slide o’ slider slide
Even the back-up tried
O’ slider slide o’ slider slide
To the back foot of a lefty … check swing and the ump is wrong
Dylan Cease pitches for the Chicago White Sox and is a graduate of Milton High School, Milton, Ga.
Sung to the tune of “Centerfold” by the J. Geils Band
Stumblin’ down on Rush Street, walkin’ pub to pub
Harry Caray was the idol of every Bleacher Bum
Started in St. Louis, but seduced the owner’s wife
Then Chisox, then the Cubbies — a checkered, blesséd life
Then MLB tries some tricks
During the “Field of Dreams”
And ghostly Harry resurrects
To gasps and chokes and screams….
.   Cub Fan, Bud Man
.   This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.   Harry lives in a hologram
.   (Harry lives in a hologram)
.   Cub Fan, Bud Man
.   This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.   Harry lives in a hologram
.   (Harry lives in a hologram)
He’s leading the seventh inning stretch, the weak of heart begin to retch
Beer gut missing around his middle, where’s the liver spots, sweat and spittle?
There’s no way to digitize a glorious mess like Harry
Please find some breathing pitchman and let the dead stay buried.
He’s been dead since ’98,
But you could never tell
Thanks, computer science,
But he never looked THIS well…
.   Cub Fan, Bud Man
.   This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.   Harry lives in a hologram
.   (Harry lives in a hologram)
.   Cub Fan, Bud Man
.   This ain’t worth a tinker’s damn
.   Harry lives in a hologram
.   (Harry lives in a hologram)
Na na na-na-na-na
Na-na-na nanna na na-na
Na na na-na-na-na
Na-na-na nanna na na-na…