by Michael X. Ferraro
Fan behavior is often quite risky
at the park that was once called Comiskey.
The joint nearly got wrecked
when run by Bill Veeck
and now a patron who snarled, “Don’t frisk me.”
Gut Check Time
by Greg Simetz
Fans remember well
Thompson’s ‘Shot Heard ‘Round the World’
Giants fans cheered
Dodgers fans hurled
But a new shot was heard
at Guaranteed Rate
causing Sox fans to scatter
after only Beer Number Eight
A smuggled gun went undected
In belly fat it was tucked
And when the lard pulled the trigger
even LaRussa woke up
One person was wounded
another was grazed
but the White Sox kept playing
losers still but unfazed
Then peace was restored
when cops ID’d the plump chick
and in court she was sentenced
to life on Ozempic.
Fighting Like Only the White Sox Can
by James Finn Garner
Poor Timmy! Zonked by a double whammy
When he chose to throw hands with Joe Rami.
First Jose’s right hook
Left him cold as a chinook
And on the way down he twisted both hammies!
(Not really, but admit it, Sox fans — you still felt compelled to double-check.)
July Sale Days
by James Finn Garner
It’s July Sale Days with the New York Mets!
Come on down — it’s as good as it gets!
Robertson, closer (we call him Dave),
So many games for you he’ll save!
Look under the hood of our starter Max,
Good despite mileage, and that’s a fact!
Everybody wants a Tommy Pham!
(Sorry, Chisox, no warranty on hams)
Verlander’s on his second career–
Try for a third? You’ll find him here!
Crazy Billy Eppler’s ready to trade!
Start planning your World Series Parade!
Bill Veeck
by Michael Ceraolo
I don’t think I was a genius
by any objective measurement,
but it wasn’t hard to seem like one
compared to most of the other owners,
who considered attendance at the games
to be the fans’ religious obligation
My treating baseball as a business
that had to attract its customers
with a good product and fun at the park
was derided as heresy
(though many of my ideas were soon copied)
And that wasn’t their only resort to mystical nonsense:
they first fought, and then severely limited, night games
Just imagine:
running a business whose hours of operation
(set by you)
preclude the vast majority of customers
from patronizing your business.
