Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
In the Midwest we’re not prone to bragging
We like socks with sandals and double-bagging
We like a 30-pack and jerky from Kasey’s
And are still suspicious of Macy’s.
We don’t get too big for our britches
Unless the subject is hot dishes.
We take our time reaching decisions
And are in no rush to win the division.
I understand there’s a brain injury
that even today can only be detected
after death in an autopsy
I was in collisions at the plate,
and a Walter Johnson curveball beaned me
and knocked me out for several minutes;
if it had been a fastball I would have been killed
(I’m sure some of the Indians wish I had been)
Was it a brain injury, or the times,
that shaped my management style?
At this late date we’ll never know
Ken Keltner
The worst mistake I ever made
was to file for unemployment in the offseason,
something that seemed like a good idea at the time
but was much less so once we sobered up,
and I deserved all the abuse I took for it
What was not a mistake was being one of the players
who went to the owner asking for Vitt to be fired
We didn’t deserve his abuse,
and we didn’t deserve the abuse
from fans and sportswriters
Mel Harder
Being the longest-tenured Indian,
I was the leader of the group
that went to Mr. Bradley and asked his to fire Vitt
We were called Crybabies then and for years afterward,
but I’ll always believe we were right:
Vitt didn’t know how to treat people
He was never hired again
as manager of a major-league team
Byron Buxton
Through his awesome powers of deduction
Has determined the murderer of Lord McBroom
Is someone in this room!
Luis Arraez
Is not one to compromise.
If it’s not Johnnie Walker Black,
He sends it back.
Joe Musgrove
Is an ace with the cookstove.
He takes sausage and flapjacks
To the max.
Miguel Cabrera
Is the finest hitter of his era
And a real joy to watch play —
I have nothing snarky to say.
I’m proud of my major-league career,
though some will denigrate it
because I pitched through the war
I’m proud of resurrecting the eephus pitch
(I thought I had invented it,
but I understand historians have found
someone who threw it before I was born)
But what I’m most proud of is my part
in the defeat of Murphy’s Guild in ’46:
I spoke out against the strike,
and the proposed union went down to defeat
Miggy knew well with this at bat
His brain on message ‘neath his hat
He struck the sphere
Heard thund’rous cheer
It’s Hit 3,000 — ‘magine that!
Miggy knew this was the night
And held that piece of lumber tight
A mighty swing
He whacked that thing
Just like a blast of dynamite!
3000’s not a mighty sum
If you count cars or bubble gum.
Count hits instead
I’ve heard it said
The hoopla’s ad infinitum!
Millie Bovich, a longtime Bardball contributor, has been a Tigers fan since the days of Hal Newhouser and Virgil Trucks.