Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
Cole Ragans
Believes that pagans
Get a bad rap in the papers
And also happen to be great landscapers.
Josh Naylor
Has a great tailor
Who crafts slacks for travel
That don’t unravel.
Isaac Paredes
Loves eating spiedies,
Burgoo, tamales, chislic, etouffee–
All the regional dishes of the USA.
Carlos Correa
Has nary a
Bad word to say
About the films and good works of Danny Kaye.
Baltimore Orioles
July: Orioles
Will refuse to migrate south,
Seeking fall colors.
Boston Red Sox
Yes, every franchise
Is an Evil Empire now.
Game is in its Fall.
New York Yankees
Can the potential
Of overpowering bats
Overpower their age?
Tampa Bay Rays
Lesson of the old:
It takes a genius chef to
Make soup out of straw.
Toronto Blue Jays
An exhaustive search!
Team’s new radio guy is
The TV guy’s son.
The kids from Charm City
Didn’t play so pretty
In their short series with the Rangers
But these orange sprats–
Good defense, strong bats–
To the postseason will not be strangers.
They play the game right,
Alert but not tight,
And act like a team, not selfish.
They outpaced the Rays
And will not go away,
Not unlike a batch of bad shellfish.
I don’t know why I bought the lie
The White Sox would be decent.
I don’t know how hamstrings go pow!
Bats and skills chill, like recent.
I don’t know why Reinsdorf tries
To hire within to change Fate.
I don’t know where Andrew Vaughn stares
While whiffing at the plate.
I don’t know how Robert feels now
And what Keynan and Lance had to say,
But I know one thing: the White Sox would bring
A bigger playoff crowd than Tampa Bay.
I was waiting at the bar for a playoff date
And looked at my watch. It’s getting late.
Then I heard the emphatic bartender,
With his fist pump, mask, and chest protector,
Announce to the lingering, glassy patrons:
“It’s last call. Closing time,” he intones
As he wipes the bar, satisfied with himself,
And begins putting teams on the postseason shelf —
Brands like Atlanta, Los Angeles, Baltimore, Tampa
(and just maybe Seattle, Chicago, or Philadelphia) —
And as he does, he continues to drone:
“It’s hotel-motel time if you can’t go home,
But right now, you can’t stay here —
And hey, better luck when we open next year.”
Pictured is Baseball Bill Holdforth, bartender and rabid DC baseball fan. For the story of how he worked to keep owner Bob Short out of the US Senate, check out this story from washingtonbaseballhistory.com.