Topple Heavy
by Hilary Barta
Dave Kingman would give it his all
Each powerful swing at the ball
But, missing, he’d spin
And, to his chagrin
Would teeter off balance and fall.
Illustration by Jim Siergey
Jack O’Connor
by Michael Ceraolo
In my first trade war
I took a sum of money to jump my contract,
then stayed put and kept the money
What were they going to do, sue me?
In the next trade war
I acted as Ban Johnson’s agent
and convinced several of my Pirate teammates
to move with me to his American League
Did that earn his undying gratitude?
Hell no
It took eight years, but he got rid of me
after the Lajoie hitting spree against us
Season-ending games between non-contenders
always had, and continue to have, aspects of farce:
witness the fact that McGuire and I,
both over forty, caught for part of the day
I had the last laugh, winning my lawsuit
for the 1911 salary I was due,
though if I had to do it over
I would manage the doubleheader differently.
To the Rookie of the Year, 1970….
By the St. Louis Browns Marketing Staff
You couldn’t have picked a better spot
In all the U.S.A.
Our welcome to St. Louis, son,
We send without delay.
If you can’t use these tickets
For just any game at all,
We’d be pleased to have your parents
When the umpire cries: “Play ball!”
Congratulations,
Bill Veeck
For a time, the Browns sent 2 free tickets to newborn children in St. Louis. Found on the marvelous Twitter feed of Jim Koenigsberger (@Jimfrombaseball).
The Cleveland Spiders
by R. Gerry Fabian
I am sitting at the bar watching
the Braves versus Phillies game.
Second inning.
The Braves have the bases loaded,
two outs and their seventh batter,
a rookie catcher, at bat.
From out of nowhere,
a woman sits next to me.
“Can you buy me a drink?’
The Phillies’ pitcher throws
a slider, down and away.
Ball one.
I use semantics on the woman.
“If you mean do I have the money
to buy you a drink,
then yes, I do.”
The next pitch is high and tight.
The kid catcher steps out of the box
and then reenters crowding the plate.
“Okay.” The woman agrees.
“Will you buy me a drink?”
Again, I use semantic in hopes
of ending this dialogue.
“If you mean, is there a chance
that in the future
I may purchase a drink for you,
the odds are 75 – 25 in your favor,
if only to end this conversation.”
The next pitch is an outside fastball
and the kid fouls it off.
Count 2-1.
That was your pitch, I think silently.
The woman is unyielding.
“I like baseball, and I would
like you to buy me a drink.”
Count 2-2
I know the pitcher is going to throw a curve.
Hang it. I try to jinx the pitcher.
He throws a sharp breaking curve
but to my astonishment and surprise,
the kid catcher stays on the pitch
and drives it into the right center gap
for a bases-clearing double.
“Do I get my drink now?”
I decide to put an end to this
annoying invasion of privacy.
“Tell me who the greatest pitcher
of all time is and I’ll buy you a drink.”
She smiles.
“Denton True Young.”