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Pete Rose Won’t Get in the Hall

by James Finn Garner

(To the tune of that old song by Poison)

That Charlie Hustle had more hits
No one can deny
With that Dorothy Hammill haircut
We’d watch that face-first slide

He was one of the sparks of the Big Red Machine
Putting a little down on the side
Then he lied about it all
How he lied
That’s why it’s clear

Pete Rose won’t get in the hall
Ain’t no chance of it at all
Just like Shoeless Joe won’t get the commissioner’s call
Pete Rose won’t get in the hall

He signed Rule 21 at the start of every year
It read “No Gambling” but some of that wasn’t clear
I guess he didn’t hear
Thought he could lead the team
But his ears worked right
When he asked at night, “You swear that you’re 16?”

Pete Rose won’t get in the hall
Ain’t no chance of it at all
Just like Shoeless Joe won’t get the commissioner’s call
(Not just ‘cuz they’re dead)
Pete Rose won’t get in the hall

 

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Two Lims for the Tiger Battery

by James Finn Garner

After Skubal slaps, shouts and shoves,
Hinch’s lineup card says “Any of the above.”
Starters, middle, bullpen?
“Pitching chaos” is in
A squad cardiac doctors can love.

Catching young Tiger pitchers, ol’ Jake
Rogers knows what each at-bat takes.
Low and out, high and in
He has learned what will win
When he calls for a pitch, please don’t shake.

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MLB All-Legal Team

1B   David Justice
2B   Jury-ckson Profar
SS   Joe Sargent
3B   Ernie Courtney

LF   Barrister Bonds
CF   Lave Cross
RF   Aaron Judge

C    Josh Lex

RHP   Derek Law, Jailen Peguero
LHP   Ryan Sherriff, John Courtright

Relief RHP   Cameron Jury

MGR   Tom Lawless

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Last Call for the Coliseum

by James Finn Garner

As the sun sinks low over East Bay,
We savor the memories of when they’d play,

That team from Oakland in yellow and green
And some of the greatest we’ve ever seen.

Leading off, of course, the immortal Rickey,
Powerful, swift, determined, tricky,

Then lanky, mustachioed Rollie, and who
Can forget Catfish and Vida Blue?

Campy Campaneris and Sal Bando
Thrilled the nascent East Bay fandom

The Swingin’ A’s and Charley O
Kept things jumping, three rings in a row.

Dave Stewart, imposing on the mound,
And Reggie Jackson! Too big for this town

Dennis Eckersley, Jason Giambi,
Dwayne Murphy, Joe Rudi, Rick Monday

A franchise always hurting for cash
Still grew Bob Welch and the Brothers of Bash

And a World Series paused by an earthquake?
These are the things that diehards make.

Rowdy! Joyous! Full-bore! . . . Buzzed?
They didn’t always win, but then who does?

For a snapshot of what it means to be an Oakland A’s fan, check out this article from the SF Chronicle, which is also posting an oral history with players from different eras of the team.