The White Sox’ Rubber Soul

by James Finn Garner

You say your batters can’t swing it?
Their whiffing gives you chills?
I got an old-school remedy for
Fixin’ all your ills.

Take all your Louisville Sluggers,
Arrange ’em in a stack,
Then get set for a mighty hoodoo
(There ain’t no turnin’ back).

Now get yourself some love dolls–
You know the kind I mean,
Those cuties made of polymerized
Isobutylene.

Inflate them gals and set them ’round
Your mighty pile of sticks
And pray for their blow-up blessings
And soon you’ll get your licks.

You’ll feel your eyeballs quicken
And your pencil fill with lead,
And by August your White Sox will be
Twenty games ahead.

But don’t blaspheme the rubber gods
Or disrespect their medicine,
Or they’ll do to you just what they did
To Brian Anderson.

Posted 5/12/08 

I Want to Go Home

By Stuart Shea

Plutocrats were once the Detroit ideal.
Henry Ford and William Briggs
Living high in posh digs
While Ty Cobb rented a house during the season
In a middle-class hood.

When the city started to “change”
And white people moved out,
Somehow it was all the fault of those left behind.
Out of sight, out of mind
For those in Grosse Point and Warren
Who’d come into town a few times a year,
(Of course on Opening Day, where they’d still cheer
For Bunning, Kaline, Cash, Lary,
Willie Horton.)

When the car makers misread the market and made more gas-guzzlers,
One of the puzzlers was apportioning blame
Away from the carpetbaggers, shills, morons, and thieves
And onto the wage-slaves and winos
And others who remained in the city
Without trust funds, mobility,
Pedigree, or nobility.

The Lions upgraded to an oversized Tupperware tub in Pontiac
And the Pistons shuffled to Auburn Hills
But at least the Tigers stayed and played at Michigan and Trumbull
The ballpark half-full
And Ernie Harwell perched above home plate
Telling tales of Sweet Lou and Tram and Senor Smoke
While the city learned to choke on its own exhaust
And the bums sat, cracked and sauced,
In fine brick slums held together by a paste of broken windows and fatherless children.

Now the old ballpark sits, forgotten and overgrown,
Tigers overrun by dandelions.
Structure and seats rusted, torn to chunks,
At the hands of Ilitch raped and scorned,
But mourned
By the lower-level bleacher drunks stuck in hell
And imprisoned by the ghost of Charlie Maxwell.

The Prime of Mr. Vladimir Guerrero

By Stuart Shea

Standing tall and smiling, a friendly Angel with no halo,
Vladimir Guerrero.
It’s hard to believe he once was an Expo.

It hurts just to watch him run,
Gobbling turf with gigantic strides,
Hobbling on rusty knees.

Still lets baseballs loose like cannon fire,
Nailing some runners and
Scattering buckshot into the stands.

Tattoos pitches wherever they’re thrown,
High in the zone or at his ankles,
Just like Clemente.
And I’ll tell you what rankles—we’re ignoring him.

We’re watching a great player RIGHT NOW.
See that line-drive triple? How he legged it out, limping like a war vet,
Sliding in, a big grin,
Clapping his hands?
For God’s sake, people, stand up for the man!!

Posted 4/30/08 

Gavin Givin’ His All

by James Finn Garner

The Sox hopes are buoyed
By young Gavin Floyd.
Could this hurler be one for the eras?

If not, then they’re stuck
With Buerhle’s bad luck
And “forever young” Jose Contreras.

Posted 4/29/08 

The Game of the Name

by Stu Shea

I.
Gallardo and Bazardo and Pichardo and DiNardo.
Baseball names are the funniest words,
Spoken loudly in public context.
You never know what’s next—
The announcer may yell, “Uggla, deep to left!”
Which only makes sense if you know the game.
What, indeed, is in a name?
Someone named “Pujols” can feel no shame…
In fact, he’s a hero instead of a zero.

II.
Prince Fielder can’t field,
And Lackey won’t yield,
Webb catches hitters, and Young’s getting old,
Holliday’s happy, but the Giants can’t Winn,
Corey’s got Hart and J.J. is Hardy,
Does Ryan need Church to wash away sin?

III.
I-Rod,
A-Rod,
K-Rod.

Posted 4/17/08