Reviving the Art of Baseball Doggerel
With apologies to William Butler Yeats
I will arise and walk now, and walk like Bryce and Rhys;
And the outside pitches take there, with a patient-eyed approach;
Nine pitches will I foul off; then ball four below the knees;
And stand alone with the first-base coach.
I am sitting at the bar watching
the Braves versus Phillies game.
Second inning.
The Braves have the bases loaded,
two outs and their seventh batter,
a rookie catcher, at bat.
From out of nowhere,
a woman sits next to me.
“Can you buy me a drink?’
The Phillies’ pitcher throws
a slider, down and away.
Ball one.
I use semantics on the woman.
“If you mean do I have the money
to buy you a drink,
then yes, I do.”
The next pitch is high and tight.
The kid catcher steps out of the box
and then reenters crowding the plate.
“Okay.” The woman agrees.
“Will you buy me a drink?”
Again, I use semantic in hopes
of ending this dialogue.
“If you mean, is there a chance
that in the future
I may purchase a drink for you,
the odds are 75 – 25 in your favor,
if only to end this conversation.”
The next pitch is an outside fastball
and the kid fouls it off.
Count 2-1.
That was your pitch, I think silently.
The woman is unyielding.
“I like baseball, and I would
like you to buy me a drink.”
Count 2-2
I know the pitcher is going to throw a curve.
Hang it. I try to jinx the pitcher.
He throws a sharp breaking curve
but to my astonishment and surprise,
the kid catcher stays on the pitch
and drives it into the right center gap
for a bases-clearing double.
“Do I get my drink now?”
I decide to put an end to this
annoying invasion of privacy.
“Tell me who the greatest pitcher
of all time is and I’ll buy you a drink.”
She smiles.
“Denton True Young.”
With apologies to Percy Shelley and his “Adonais”
I weep for Aaron Nola — he is sick!
Oh, weep for Aaron Nola! though our tears
Thaw not the hand sanitizer we affix.
And thou, sad offseason, selected from all years
To bum us out, rouse thy obscure compeers,
And teach them thine own sorrow, say: “With me
Does Aaron have the flu; though it appears
He might miss a spring start, his curveball shall be
An echo and a light unto eternity!”
(Editor Error! First submitted Sept. 25, 2020)
Ellen Adair is an actor, with recurring roles on shows like “The Sinner,” “Homeland,” and “Bull,” and a contributing analyst to the MLB Network show “Off Base.” Their book of poetry, Curtain Speech, is available from Pen & Anvil Press. They also host the podcasts “Take Me In to the Ballgame” and “Love Takes Action,” and draws baseball players by commission.
Glory be to God for Aaron Nola
For changeups of couple-color, diving from the zone;
For hosts of swinging strikes on tunnel’d pitches;
Fresh-curveballs swooping like a rainbow’s gold; a
Landscape plotted for a dotted fastball, blown
By even Ronald Acuña. That’s Aaron Nola, bitches.
Ellen Adair is an actor, with recurring roles on shows like “The Sinner,” “Homeland,” and “Bull,” and a contributing analyst to the MLB Network show “Off Base.” Their book of poetry, Curtain Speech, is available from Pen & Anvil Press. They also host the podcasts “Take Me In to the Ballgame” and “Love Takes Action,” and draws baseball players by commission.
Fightin’ Phils busted.
Space Cowboys’ Orange becomes
Twenty-two’s New Green.